K,
I wish it was as easy as asking you what’s been going on inside your mind the last week. Why do you feel so detached from the world? Why has everything become so difficult to navigate and complete?
I know that everything feels like an absolute mountain on top of you right now. Those marks on the calendar where you’ve relapsed 5 days in a row are not a mark that you’ve failed. The fact that you’ve chosen sleeping tablets over your medication is probably not the wisest choice but it’s happened.
1. Stop trying to find one single answer. There might not be a trigger. Be kind to yourself and stop putting the pressure on to ensure there’s a reason for everything.
2. Get the menial tasks written down. Sorting out that box of paperwork. Emptying the dishwasher. Cancelling the too-expensive home insurance renewal and admitting you went for a cheaper quote. Sorting out that pile of clothes that has magically reappeared again. This is where that pretty weekly planner comes in handy. Bingo, some of that noise in your head is down on paper.
3. Set an alarm for your meds. In the long run taking yourself off these cold-turkey-style (even if it is by accident!!) is NOT going to help. You are the only one who can help this routine continue.
4. Reply to everyone when you’re ready. I know it’s making you feel like a Class A selfish tosspot because you’re not replying to messages consistently again, and you’re forgetting birthdays, and you’re struggling to keep up with plans you’ve made, and you’re not making plans to see people in your time off. But your brain is going through SO MUCH. That sick feeling in your stomach that everyone’s rolling their eyes at you for being back in this sodding position again; it’s not real. And to be fair, if there are people rolling their eyes at you then fuck them and their stupid eyeballs that obviously know nothing.
5. It’s okay to not be okay. This is the one thing you’ve grown to be utterly certain of. The one thing you’ve tried to teach others when they’ve felt the weight of the world crashing down. It doesn’t stop being true just for you.
K, you are only human. This is a tiny percentage of your life and if you’re not fulfilling every part of the daily life you think you should be having, that’s okay. Have rest. One step at a time. You’ve come so fucking far, your brain is allowed to slam on the emergency brakes for a quick pit stop.
Love always,
K x
The Tales of Kayles 