I need to talk. But I can’t.

For the first time in over a year I’m unable to vocalise what I’m feeling to anyone.

In February I changed the time I took my medication from the evening til the morning because I wasn’t managing during the day.

Now I’m bossing my work days to an unbelievable standard, but my evenings are a different story.

5pm hits. It’s like I can feel my entire face drop, my muscles slow down, my brain pulsate with fear over how the evening is going to pan out.

I’m so so so so so very depressed.

I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about it anymore. Everyone goes quiet. Are they fed up of me? Have they run out of advice to give? Am I annoying them because I literally find it so hard to generate questions to ask them about themselves and then find the energy to be enthusiastic back… Also why the hell is this still going on and I’m not better yet? It’s been YEARS. Oh wait, I’m useless.

I’m being more mean to myself than I have been in a long time. I’m not worthy of anything. I don’t deserve friends or relationships or even a cat. I can’t look in a mirror because I start insulting every part of my ugly, miserable, annoying self.

I start pulling apart my entire dialogue to colleagues during the day. Why did I say that? Why did I act like an excited maniac? Put your fucking headphones back on Kayleigh and give the poor people a break, stop talking to them because you’re fucking ridiculous and pointless.

I get home from work and I basically shower and get straight into bed. Food’s a different matter, but no TV. Play some mobile games, that’ll stop you doing anything and annoying anyone. My head hurts from the constant bullying that’s going on inside it. I can’t rationalise like I’ve worked so hard at being able to do. I can’t filter out what’s real and what I’ve made up about myself. I’m so low that I don’t even care what’s real, I just don’t want to be conscious and dealing with this anymore.

I’ve had to ring the crisis team. Terrified I can’t cope with myself. They took 40 minutes to ring me back and that 40 minutes was the biggest fight I ever had to have with myself to not do anything stupid, no matter how much I needed the pain and torment to stop.

I’m still on the longest waiting list for further therapy. I genuinely think all I can do is sleep my spare time away until someone wants to help me. Or has to. Whatever.

I don’t know if this has even helped. I’m exhausted. I can’t be strong anymore. So tired.

Publish.

Night x